Women in Red: How to ask for cash without looking like a jerk

Kate Ashford  |  02:21 PM, Wednesday, December 15, 2010

There was a time when young couples getting hitched had nothing but a set of raggedy towels and a cereal bowl between them. Now, as more people wait longer to get married — age 26, on average, for women and 28 for men this year — and more couples live together before exchanging vows, the cupboard is often far from bare.

“My husband and I already lived at places of our own, so we had all the bath, kitchen, and furniture items one would need before we got married,” says Amy Reiter, 28, in Madison, Wis. In those cases, couples don’t need china — they need cold, hard cash to finance their honeymoon or a down payment on a four-bedroom Dutch Colonial. (Or, really, just to pay for the wedding, which this wedding planner estimates will probably cost about $30,000.)

Other gift-giving occasions have gotten trickier as well. In the past, wants were modest: clothes, books, maybe a couple of CDs. Now, maybe you’re saving up for an iPad and you’d rather your grandmother give you a check than a sweater. (After all, the average U.S. household spends nearly $600 a year on electronics alone, according to Bundle.com data.) Can you ask? The answer from the experts: It depends. Here’s how to navigate the cash etiquette waters.

Regarding walking down the aisle:

Don’t ask directly. Even if you’re registered at ten different stores, etiquette experts shake their heads at people who list registries on the wedding invite — or say anything about presents, really. “Not even ‘No gifts, please,’” says Anna Post, a spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute and author of Do I Have to Wear White? Emily Post Answers America’s Top Wedding Questions. “The real reason we’re inviting someone is so they share in that day, not to get more gifts.”

Enlist friends and family. One good way to get your message out? Tell your parents and your bridal party that you and your spouse-to-be would prefer monetary gifts to crystal stemware. That way, if guests ask, they’ll be able to spread the word on your behalf. “Word of mouth is the way to go,” Post says. “Then they can tell people, ‘Of course they’d like anything you get them, but they really could use help with a down payment on the house.’”

Come up with a goal. “There are ways to say ‘cash’ without saying ‘cash,’” Post says. In other words, make sure guests know that you’re saving up for your honeymoon, or a house, or a car, rather than just asking for greenbacks. “When you can paint a picture of where the money is going, people feel like it’s a stepping stone rather than just money, which socially can be a little uncomfortable for people,” Post says.

Register anyway. No matter what you do, some people are going to get you presents. And if you don’t give them some guidance (in the form of a registry of some kind), you could end up with a terrifying painting from a cute little antique shop in Saskatchewan — no return possible. It doesn’t even have to be a run-of-the-mill registry store. “Nontraditional registries are more acceptable than they used to be,” says Elena Donovan Mauer, coauthor of Planning Your Wedding Sucks. “You can register for sports and camping equipment at REI and every single thing they sell on Amazon.” Got a pricey hobby? Register for new bike helmets or scuba equipment. Plus, if you’re having a bridal shower, people are going to want to watch you open wrapped somethings, no matter what. (I know. I’m sorry.)

Don’t get sneaky. So the problem is that you need cash for big stuff? I’ve heard of engaged couples who registered for lots of appropriately priced objects at, say, Pottery Barn, then took it all back and exchanged it for a pricey bed or armoire. Possible? Sure. Ethical? Ehhh. “I don’t love it because it’s not very sincere,” Post says. “You’re registering for gifts that, when purchased, people thought the couple really wanted. I would prefer the couple just be transparent and say, ‘Anything you get would be great, but we could really use assistance in purchasing furniture for our new living room.’”

Consider a honeymoon registry. There are plenty of sites out there now that essentially allow you to register for cash — which you can use on your honeymoon. Just be careful, because some sites (many sites, actually) charge you a fee to use them. One that doesn’t: Honeyfund.com. One that does: DepositaGift.com, which charges 7.5 percent of the total money you receive. The charging sites argue that guests aren’t paying for shipping, wrapping or taxes, so it’s a small price to pay for the convenience of (essentially) a cash registry. Check both sites out and see which one appeals to you. Another option: If you’re honeymooning with a specific resort, you might be able to register with the resort company. (Examples: MarriottRegistry.com or Registry.Sandals.com.) Then guests can actually contribute money toward your hotel accommodations, food, or, say, a couples massage. “In the end, they really are just giving you money toward those things,” Mauer says. “But they have this feeling like they gave you a gift.”

Be polite. While it’s not acceptable for gift requests or registries to make their way onto your invitation, a wedding website is the perfect spot to let guests know what you want. Just do it gracefully. “The choice of gift is always up to the giver,” Post says. “Make sure that the way you phrase it is optional and gracious and doesn’t in any way suggest that you’ve got dollar signs in your eyes.” Tell guests that their presence at your wedding is special to you and present enough, but that if they’re inclined to give a gift, you and your betrothed are saving for a house and would appreciate any help they could give you, no matter how small. And whatever you do, if someone promises a gift and doesn’t deliver (as this Bundler’s in-laws did), don’t hound them. It’s rude.

Regarding birthdays and holidays:

Ask strategically. It’s probably appropriate for you to ask your parents and grandparents for money, if they typically give you gifts for the occasion and you really just need cash. “If you have a very close relationship with someone who gets you something every year, you can drop a hint early in the season,” Post says. “Beyond those very close people, I wouldn’t mention it.” Use the awkwardness quotient as your guide. Asking for a check from Nana? That feels okay. Asking for a check from your best friend, or your coworker? C’mon, now.

Say thank you. Whether it’s your wedding, birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, or the anniversary of the day you learned to tie your shoes, whenever someone sends you a gift, follow up with a handwritten and personal note of thanks as soon as possible. It lets the gift giver know that you received their present and that you appreciate it. That’s just etiquette 101, folks.