Women in Red: Are you and your spouse lying to each other about money?

Kate Ashford  |  02:18 AM, Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Take a good look at your husband, wife or partner. Cute face, right? Kind of charming? Maybe a little grey around the temples, but you two know each other. You go way back.

You also probably both keep a few secrets, but that's normal, right? Past indiscretions are usually best left in the past, especially if it's before you met. ("Frank the Tank" needs to stay locked away, you both agreed.)

But with money, it's never so simple. If your partner was lying about some aspect of his or her finances, would you want to know? Or, let's ask it another way: If you're the one fibbing about your debt or hiding a big splurge, would you ever confess?

Four out of five spouses hide purchases, credit cards and bank accounts, according to a recent survey by CESI Debt Solutions. In fact, in a Bundle survey I conducted for this story, a quarter of our community admitted to having kept an important financial secret from a partner. In one Bundle Confession-we get a lot of anonymous people worrying about, or just plain fed up with, their significant other-a reader divulged that he's lying to his wife about his income. "I don't like being less than honest," he writes, "but it's probably the only way to actually save money." In another, a Bundler discovered that her husband had been paying the bills late for the last seven months-but hadn't said anything to her. Nothing like having your cable and electricity shut off to spur a healthy financial heart-to-heart.

And then there's our natural propensity to lie. (You know who you are.) A study from Cornell University found that Internet daters tend to lie on their profiles about income. No surprise, but we also lie to ourselves: Three-quarters of people say they don't put anything huge on their credit cards unless they can pay it off immediately-but three-quarters also say they're worried about being able to pay their credit card bills every month, according to a Bankrate survey. (Hmm.) And one University of Massachusetts study found that six out of 10 people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation-and on average, they told two to three lies. (Kind of makes you wonder about the person you just talked to, doesn't it?)

The economy isn't making the situation any easier. "Today, more than ever, there's a tremendous amount of financial stress, and people are not sitting down and really talking about it," says Kathleen Gurney, Ph.D., president of Financial Psychology Corp. and author of Your Money Personality. "They don't want the marital conflict."

But let's be clear: If you're avoiding "the talk" now, you might just be coming back to it under much more tense circumstances. A "let's get our stuff in order" conversation is always better than the more urgent "we're in danger of losing our home" chat later on.

Talking also helps to squelch any paranoia early on. Suspicion is a hard thing to shake, and getting it all out in the open pays off.

But let's say you think your partner may have a secret MasterCard. (About 18 percent of people do, according to the CESI Debt Solutions data.) Trust your instincts and keep an eye out for tells:

• He/she dodges money conversations. If your spouse consistently avoids money discussions-and quickly changes the subject to, say, "Jersey Shore"-that could be a sign that he's got a stash of receipts in the closet that you know nothing about. Similarly, if he makes you feel like you're soft in the head for asking about the household finances in the first place, that's a warning sign.


• You make enough money but can't make ends meet. Can't seem to get that credit card paid off despite the fact that you and your spouse bring home plenty of cash? Your finances aren't quite making sense? That could be because you don't have all the facts.


• Your spouse has new shoes. Or a new coat. Or a shiny new iPad. But you can't figure out where that money came from, and she's showing a new desire to have separate household accounts. Or you're finding receipts for things your spouse never mentioned to you. She may have something to tell you.

When you might be overreacting:
Not every shifty spouse means there are financial secrets afoot. More than half of Bundlers in our survey said they fought with a partner about money, but 87 percent felt that they share "all the big stuff" or "everything" about their personal spending behavior. Sometimes, Gurney says, anxiety can throw your partner's behavior off-causing him to avoid talking about bills or distance himself from you. "He might be feeling anxious and you misinterpret that as, `Uh oh, my partner is beginning to pull away,'" she says. "Don't jump to conclusions. Make sure you've got some ground." If you're really concerned about some behavior, sit your partner down and tell them about your feelings and your fears. A good talk might clear the air.

How to `fess up:
If you're the one doing the monetary sneaking, it's time to come clean. "It becomes a tremendous load to carry around," Gurney says. "There are all sorts of emotional issues that come along with the lies." But before you attempt the Great Reveal, take some time to think about why you're doing what you're doing. "Are you just avoiding conflict, or is it something more?" says Scott Stanley, Ph.D., a research professor and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. "Is your partner judgmental or super tight about money? Why do you feel like you can't tell him about the spending that you're doing?" Once you feel like you can talk about it, here's how to have the sit-down:

• Plan the talk. Don't just spring it on your partner in the middle of dinner after a crazy day. Start the conversation in a place outside of the house in a relaxed atmosphere. Take a walk. (Don't take a drive. Bad idea.) "Get into a restful situation," Gurney says. "Go to a park, sit down, and begin by saying, `I've been afraid to have this conversation because I'm really scared of how you're going to react, and I have to tell you something that I've been doing. And I don't feel great about it at all.'"


• Suggest a solution. If the problem, for instance, is that you feel like your spouse is breathing down your neck every time you buy a pack of gum, you might try to settle on some sum of money you each get to spend every week or every month-feedback free. If you can't seem to stick to the household budget and you've been hiding purchases that went over the limit, you and your partner may need to discuss a different way to manage money together.


• Be prepared for her reaction. Hearing that your spouse has been lying about money isn't easy. "It's the same feeling of betrayal as an affair," Gurney says. "You feel like it's over, like you can never trust them again." It's going to be difficult to get through, to say the least. The good news: Only 14 percent of Bundle community members surveyed have considered taking a hike over financial issues.

How to handle the dirty truth:
If your partner sits you down and tells you that he's been blowing your nest egg on expensive suits, your instinct may be to cut his suits into tiny little pieces. Let's hold off on that. Here's what to do instead:

• Don't bite. "The number one reason this happens is because the one that's hiding is avoiding conflict," Stanley says. "If, when they stop hiding, the thing you give them is conflict instead of teamwork, you're confirming their fear. That's not a great place to go as a couple." Of course, magnitude comes into play here: If your wife just gambled away all of your retirement savings, you can get a little miffed. Otherwise, recognize that it took guts to come to you, so treat the matter with gentleness and respect.


• Ask questions. You truly want to understand the issue. "Is it something they really think they need help with?" Gurney says. "How could you have prevented this as a couple? You owe your partner that much-to at least try to work through it the first time it happens."


• Try not to feel blamed-or faultless. Maybe you're a marital saint. (Um, okay.) But keep in mind that marital discord is rarely a one-way street. For instance, 1 in 14 Bundlers feels that both partners are "equally irresponsible" with cash. "If you've been too controlling, or you have a different money personality than your partner, you have to understand that you have different values and you have to work together," Gurney says.

How to prevent it:
According to one study, only about 12 percent of married couples use a detailed budget, and 38 percent don't use a budget at all. And, guess what? Couples without a budget have the most fights about money. And couples who fight over finances once a week are 30 percent more likely to seek the big D than couples who fight less often. The expert advice: Devise at least a simple budget and meet once a week to chat about it. "It's hard to get people to do," Stanley says. "But if you can keep track of that stuff and just stay on the same page about it for 15 minutes a week, you're doing really well."

But even without a budget, it's key to set some ground rules with your spouse: How often will you talk about money? How much can you spend without having to consult the other? How honest do you want the other person to be? (Do you want to know about every pantyhose purchase, or just the big stuff?) The more you can keep the lines of communication open and chat on a regular basis about your finances, the less need you'll feel to hide things from each other. And that can go a long way toward marital financial bliss.

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