When I was in graduate school, two friends flew in to visit. We'd agreed to go to the grocery store, so we wouldn't be eating out all weekend, and so they could pick out what they wanted. But what they wanted wasn't cheap-gourmet pickles, fancy luncheon meats, cookies — and when it came time to pay, they did nothing, even though the bill topped $100.

Eventually, I asked them to chip in $15. In retrospect, I would have bought food beforehand and, being the host, would have been responsible for the cost. Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have asked, but shouldn't they have offered? (Even if etiquette required me to turn them down?)

You seem positive that money etiquette requires the host to pay for everything. But etiquette has more than one rule, and here several run smack into one another. You're right: there is a principle that hosts should cover their guests' expenses — or at least feed them for free. On the other hand, however, there's a rule that those with more cash should be sensitive to the ramen-dependent lifestyles of friends with less. Then, of course, there are rules of guest etiquette. Let's just say they do not involve throwing expensive foodstuffs into a grocery cart and then gazing dreamily into the distance at checkout.

So yes, you could have gone shopping ahead. That way, you could have offered your guests the pleasure of a well-stocked house while skipping the $24/lb artisanal goat cheese. But if your friends are picky eaters, it was reasonable to go shopping together. In that case, your friends should either have stuck to basics — and then offered you funds, which you could have gallantly (but inexpensively) refused — or they could have gone nuts at the deli counter but then insisted on covering at least two-thirds of the final bill.

In the end, there are two general morals to this story. For hosts, be as generous as you can while also keeping an eye on your own budget. And for guests, especially if you know your host lacks unlimited funds: the PB&J is on them, but the upgrade to caviar is on you.

Not sure whom to tip? How to split the check? Or how to tell your parents you'd prefer money to another Christmas-tree sweater this year? Email your questions about money and etiquette to awkwarddollar@bundle.com, or submit via BundleHQ.tumblr.com/submit.


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