If your marriage is crumbling, you need to pay attention to money matters -- or suffer harsh consequences. Here's what to do, men
Several weeks ago I wrote a column called "How to leave your husband."
It did not say "Leave your husband now," "Get divorced immediately" or even "Wash that man right out of your hair." It was about preparing yourself financially when your marriage is already ending.
Yet judging by the letters and message board posts that poured in, you would think that I had launched a campaign to corrupt women by showing them how to destroy a marriage in 45 seconds or less.
Here's a typical letter, from an angry reader named Mike:
"Women who think and act like this DESERVE to be divorced and hopefully left with nothing. As for the author of this article, what gives you the right to preach that it is OK for a wife to STEAL from her husband because she is not happy! You are a pathetic excuse for a woman."
Most of the letters were from men. Many were morally outraged. And most said: Why don't you write about how to leave your wife without going broke?
Fair enough
So I called divorce lawyer Gayle Rosenwald Smith, the author of "Divorce and Money: Everything You Need to Know." The advice she would give men facing divorce, she says, is pretty much what she would tell women.
Although many of the men who wrote in swore that women get the upper hand in divorce court, Smith would argue that point, based on decades of practicing family law in Philadelphia.
"It's more an individual thing than it is about men getting treated one way or women another," she says.
State laws, your personal circumstances, the lawyers or mediators involved in the case and, perhaps especially, a judge may all determine how equitable the terms of a divorce are.
"If you choose to go before a judge, you are subject to the biases of that judge, and they cut both ways," Smith says.
Smith also took issue with the motive behind my initial article, which stemmed from my conviction that women need a bigger push to take the reins of their finances. "I see just as many men who don't want to deal with these issues," she says.
Just the facts
Many readers didn't like that I advised women to set aside money in a savings account and keep copies of important documents. Not only was I breaking up marriages, I was turning women into "money-grubbing whores," as one reader wrote.
As it turns out, this is exactly what men must do as well, Smith says. In an ideal situation, both spouses would know all the financial details of their marriage. "The trouble is, one party usually doesn't," Smith says.
Whether that person is a man or a woman doesn't matter, Smith says. When your marriage is crumbling, "You have to get up to speed, figure out the assets, the liabilities, and when you get all your economic information in hand, consult a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are going to cost."
Don't treat your lawyer as a psychiatrist, she adds. Just get the facts.
3 areas of focus for men
Divorce is pricey for all parties, but men should pay special attention to three areas:
Setting up a second home. Though it's commonly known that women suffer a decline in their standards of living after a divorce, men may underestimate the true cost of single life -- a point raised by many readers.
A reader named Donald wrote:
"It's true that a woman's standard of living is likely to decline following a divorce. Typically a man's standard of living may suffer more, especially if there are children involved. The consequence of splitting one household into two, without increasing the combined net incomes, is a decline in the standard of living for both parties."
Smith agrees. "It always costs more to run two households," Smith says.
In addition to regular household setup costs (new furniture, perhaps another car, separate insurance, another set of utility bills), kids often require two sets of, well, almost everything: clothes, sports gear, even an extra computer so they can do schoolwork.
Alimony and child support. Because the economics of today's families have changed, Smith says, many ex-husbands aren't required to pay alimony. Sometimes ex-wives have to pay support. The formulas used by divorce professionals can be complicated.
Although the terms of your divorce will depend very much on the finances within your marriage, it would be wise to look up child-support guidelines for your state, Smith says, to learn what you might be required to pay. (See state-by-state calculators).
The emotional price. "The myth is that divorce doesn't affect men as much emotionally as it does women, but that's just not true," Smith says.
To avoid having the emotional strain of a breakup affect not only your personal life but your job -- this is not a time when you can afford to jeopardize your paycheck -- consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor.
"If you don't work through your emotional issues now, you're going to pay later," Smith says.
Avoiding disaster
By writing my original column, I had wanted to combat what I perceive as the great weakness of my gender. In my experience here at Women in Red headquarters, watching women in countless life situations, many (if not most) are afraid to deal with their money head on.
And when they dodge financial issues, they suffer harsh consequences. I wanted to help women deal with this fact: A divorce can turn into a disaster if you don't face financial facts right from the beginning.
What's also true, of course, is that men facing the end of a marriage would do well to be just as financially self-protective as I had advised women to be.
